The past few weeks I have been filling in for a school social worker who is on maternity leave. One of my biggest challenges has been working with a group of second graders who never stop moving or talking. The other day the exercise I wanted to engage them in was on the topic of listening.
I had photographs of one person listening to the other. The object of the exercise was to name cues from the girl’s body language and facial expression which showed she was listening. In their wiggly, jiggly way, the kids did pretty well with this part of the lesson. It was the next question that threw them. How do people in your family show they are listening to you?
The entire lesson changed gears at this point. It became clear that these kids did not feel listened to by the adults in their worlds. Instead they gave me a list of things that distract grown ups from hearing what is going on with their children. From mood altering substances to myriad electronic devices, the list of things that comes before hearing children was staggering.
I began looking more closely at the faces I passed in the halls and gathered around the tables in the cafeteria. How many of these students had someone in their life they could talk to who would listen, validate and guide them with thoughtful responses?
A very long time ago a man named Maslow hypothesized that each of us has a hierarchy of needs from very basic to more sophisticated. Our lower level needs must be met in order for us to move up the hierarchy.
I pulled up this image of Maslow’s hierarchy from Wikipedia and determined that being listened to fit into the lower level categories of safety and love/belonging. What struck me was the higher levels that can’t be reached if a person never feels listened to. Self-esteem, respect of others, problem solving, morality.
How many stories hit the news every week in this country about someone who strikes out at others, many times strangers, strangers for whose lives he seems to lack respect? How many desperate people turn to violence because their frustration has peaked and they don’t possess the problem solving abilities to make life better? How many fewer stories like this might we hear if we as a country committed ourselves to helping meet the basic needs of all our children?
Breathing. Food. Water. Sleep. Homeostasis. Excretion. Security of body, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health, of property. Basic needs.
Our culture today has too many problems to enumerate. Addressing all the issues before us can overwhelm our systems and overwhelm each of us on a personal level as well. If we would only commit ourselves to insuring that our children’s basic needs are met, I truly do believe much of the rest of our trouble will resolve over time.
Will you commit?
I agree, I agree, I agree! We really need to give the children what they need now instead of trying to “fix” them when they are older.
It is such a simple concept. Not saying it would fix every single ill, but oh, the difference it would make to take care of the small ones.
When one of my younger children wants to get a dig in with me that’s the first thing they mention “you are always looking at your phone. You are always on the computer.” Or like you said, you are not listening to me. Like this post asks — what about the children who don’t have that support system. Who is listening to them?
Listening to these kids I definitely felt a twinge of guilt when they mentioned phones, lap tops, tablets. Kept me from feeling superior for sure!
When my kids were little, cell phones were just coming around, and texting was far in the future. So this wasn’t a distraction for me as a young mom. But I remember a woman who had 5 children, was about 7 or 8 years older than I, because when one of her busy children spoke to her, she’d stop what she was in the middle of, and she was always in the middle of 2 or 3 things/tasks/jobs, lean down until she was eye level with them, and just listen. Her kids ran away quickly, going about whatever it was they’d been doing, because they felt listened to. She looked at them. She paused a minute. She gave them a response or a nod or a shake of the head no. But just the act of being listened to, the gift of being listened to , the reassurance of being listened to, seemed to be enough. You’re absolutely right – it’s so important.
What an impact that had to have on all of their lives. Talk about intentional parenting.
“How many of these students had someone in their life they could talk to who would listen, validate and guide them with thoughtful responses?”
You are giving them the gift of listening to them. Many of their teachers are giving them this gift. Few of their parents are. I think this is why so many children bond so strongly with teachers. Many teachers expect to be respected (as parents do), but they also give respect back by listening to their students and showing them that what they have to say is important. My stepson has two siblings, and another being planned. He gets kind of lost in the shuffle when he’s in his custodial home. I get it – they’re very, very busy. It’s understandable.
When he visits us, I really try to listen to what he’s saying (and to what he’s not saying!). I’ve gotten sloppy about that lately, though. Thank you for the reminder of how important that is!
It is so easy to “get sloppy” about it. I am guilty as well. Life really does feel like a marathon at times and listening well takes energy and effort. But hearing these kids describe so clearly how they knew they weren’t heard really reinforced for me how important it is.