My mother is a hoarder. She was a hoarder long before reality TV made it “a thing”. When I was little I simply thought there were too many people living in too small a space. In retrospect, I think that kept things in check. Once mom and dad’s nest should have been empty it began bursting at the seams.
It became difficult for me to spend long stretches of time in my parents’ home. I found the sheer visual weight of stuff overwhelming. Voluminous piles loomed around me like prison walls. And the sight of stacks stressed me as I thought about the work they represented. I found it hard to function normally within the confines of clutter.
Hoarders view the clutter differently than non-hoarders. The stuff seems to represent a sense of control over life. The collecting seems to alleviate the sense of a void. The gathering and the having apparently sooth anxious feelings.
Unfortunately, the effects of the collecting have the opposite effect on non-hoarders. So many things in too small a space make life feel out of control, oppressive and stressful.
The piles and stacks begin to build walls between these two types of people. The walls feel impenetrable, dividing people who love one another. The stuff keeps people at arm’s length while close, healthy relationships are what will ease the uncomfortable sensations that lead to hoarding.
Love can heal the wounded heart, but that heart must first find courage to tear down the walls. Without the stacks and the clutter the path to comfort becomes clear.
For my Wm. Morris project this week I reflected on the difficulty of my mom’s hoarding for her children as I sifted through boxes of her records and papers I brought back from a recent visit. There were too many for our shredder so we burned them in the fire pit. Going through the stacks of paper inspired me to destroy records of our own that were outdated as well.
What we needed was a nice bag of marshmallows to go along with the bonfire!
My Simple Moment for this week.
I am also linking up at the Lightning Bug for a post about something which makes us proud. I have not always been understanding of my mom’s hoarding especially when faced with one of the three houses my siblings and I cleaned out after she left. In the past few years as I have experienced anxiety first hand I have learned compassion for her. That understanding has bridged the gap bringing us closer. Of that I am quite proud.
After SIX years I have gotten my boss to really begin to clean out his office. It’s astounding the difference…the clarity…the motivation that’s coming with it! I think I might be slowly wearing out the shredder…I have spent literally 8 hours so far shredding his stuff! Anyhow – hope you’ll find your way through the stacks a little bit at a time. I LOVE the sensitivity and insight with which you’ve shared this!!
I just wish that people who hoard could feel the same relief and accomplishment that the rest of us do as they clear out the clutter. It is hard to watch how difficult this issue can be for people.
Visual weight. That is a perfect description. I once burned an entire kitchen’s worth of cabinets because I thought it was more reasonable than driving them to the dump. It was quite cathartic, and having an empty room to re-fit as a functional kitchen was really fun. {I probably should have asked my landlord though.}
You left me doubled over my keyboard with that last remark!
My husband’s parents have hoarding tendencies. When the boys cleaned out the attic, they found 25 year old boxes of holey tube socks and non-working black and white TV’s from the 70′s. Going over always made me so sad because I just cannot comprehend the need for those walls of clutter.
It makes you weary, doesn’t it? That is what I find extra sad about it. I just feel like it must wear on my mom too.
My parents are total hoarders too. I think everyone has a tendency to accumulate stuff, but I always feel so much lighter and cleaner the more minimalist I get. I think my parents’ tendency to hoard comes from growing up in a life where they didn’t have much at all, and saving something “because you might need it someday” had a great deal of sense. Not so much anymore, now that things come far too easily, but the habit is harder to lose than the things.
You have such insight here. It is true that different generations experiences color their lifestyles. Things really do come too easily now, don’t they?
Honestly, I’ve never thought about hoarding this way before; it’s an issue I’ve never understood, just because it never occurred to me that people could view clutter differently. This post was really eye-opening for me!
I have had many, many years to try to figure out why my mom would do this to herself. I really do see it as a compulsive attempt to control anxiety. Feeling the power of anxiety first hand for the first time during peri-menopause gave me much more empathy for her.
This was really moving. I can’t say I have any experience with it myself, but from watching the show “Hoarders,” it seems to really have a deep emotional affect on family members.
It takes a toll. That is for sure.
Thank you for sharing this. I too have experienced more anxiety during these perimenopause years and can also understand the hoarding aspect a bit more (this too runs in the family). It sure makes me want to watch what I choose to keep around me. Again, thank you for sharing.
The hormonal anxiety is a real challenge, isn’t it? SO uncomfortable!
I can’t imagine how difficult that would be to live with — but I hope burning the papers was cathartic!
It really was. It would have made my mom a nervous wreck though.